if i only knew the truest essence of living...i wouldn't have wasted my time doing stuff that doesn't give any assurance of what my life would be in the end.i go out each day living every minute of what the day has to offer.i end my day leaving thoughts hanging in my head and wondering till i'll be taken away to  dreamland.uncertainty in life makes me fear it but at the same time...excitement fills me up.i fear life in the sense that i may have not lived it the way im suppose to.i fear life because i might end it knowing that i have lived in vain.i fear ending life because i may have left some important things that will fulfill my existence.is it life that i fear or death?where would my life lead me?in the end it would be death that will face me.living is such a ciomplex term to define.  how much more in living it?i still can't see myself 10 yrs from now.my life is unplanned and i will intend to remain it as such.i will livve my life trusting my instincts and trusting the one who gave it to me.i will live my life pleasing my soul...whatever path that may be...i chose it...

i never thought that i could still feel the pain of knowing that my parents doesn't love me as much as they love my sister. i tried to suppressed the feelings but still it has manage to arise after all the silence and solitude. i never have any intentions of hurting anybody especially my mama. but why does it hurt me all along...all the special tereatments...i can't help but to feel the sadness and emptiness and worst of all the anger that's lying deep within my very soul. i tried to escape the angst and the tiger in my head and heart knocking its way to get out...though it hasn't freed itself...i'm scared it might get away and its roar of anguish and hurt would be heard...would be known...i have known myself to be the mediocre in the family...among my siblings and among the society. however, i don't think myself less because i know myself better and envy is not my kind of thing. i don't hate my parents...i can't hate them and i shouldn't hate them. it's anger that i feel...because i have felt the isolation and the neglection i never thought would bring me such pain in grasping myself together.i would lead a life knowing that in some point of living it...pain has a role to play. recovery is not an easy thing...but i do hope that the anger that i feel would somehow subside and evaporate in thin air. memory loss would be best i guess at least i would no longer have the reason to be angry at my parents...i wouldn't have any reasons to remember...

I would not rather seek you...not yet I guess. I don't think the time is right. Will I be complete? Would I be in bliss? But still at night...I wonder...every now and then...who would be the guy that will sweep me off my feet?*sigh* will he ever come?would he ever come?
Is it love that I seek or simply just someone to be with? Is it love that I'm waiting for or just a mere feeling to feel how is it to be in love? Am I kidding myself praying each night that one day...someone would come into my life and I'd be complete. I wouldn't call myself despearte. But I would prefer to consider myself..HOPEFUL. the thought that I'd be sharing my life to someone I connect with. Someone...just someone for me will do. And that someone would be an enough reason for me to be happy.A happy life...that's all I ask. Nothing more...nothing less.

Dammit!!!Life sucks...big time!I thought my life was flowing into the normal current when all of a sudden i'm drowning...same with the others.I really wouldn't say that I'm in grief.Just too much to take.I thought I'm one of the normal beings out there.But then again, it seems that 'm not.I guess I'm part of the club...WELCOME to The Dysfunctional Family Society.It was never in my dreams that this could happen to us.Never have imagined it.But I guess reality ain't pretty at all...reality was never pretty at all...all i have to do is accept it then and I have.

I really have nothing special to write but since I'm net surfing right now why not fill up my column then. Well, the latest event that happened in my life is that I'm part of the UP football club. Better do something new since I usually end my day sleeping. It's about time to firm my BUTT and ABS as well. Guess, I have to stop doing the pilates cd that I bought. Anyways, I'm looking for Rico Blanco in the net and will try to add him up in my friendster. Am i being insane here???Maybe.I have to go now.All I'm saying is here is pretty nonsense...as of now my life is pretty normal.